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UNDEVELOPED FETUSES NEEDED FOR KITCHEN WORK (commis chefs please) (Glasgow)

Ad ID: 2052449
Posted on Mar 20, 2017
Expire: Jun 18, 2017
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Posted by: Unregistered user
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Address: Southside, Glasgow

Are you useless and barely able to hold a knife?
Do people often accuse you of being mentally deficient?

Excellent
I can use you.

8am to 5pm, whatever days a week you're needed
£8.00/hr + tips
Prep and service
Rain and shine
You will have to deal with exacting standards and being told "No, that's horrid," all the time
You will be taught the miracles of kosher salt
You will be beaten with a mop handle, but you will also get to retaliate in a backyard bare-knuckle boxing match once a month.

I am looking for Wetherspoons employees, home cooks, or "chefs" who have never worked in a kitchen before
I want wet clay, yearning for a good shaping
Basic lego blocks I can build into a whatever form I choose.

If you've gone to school for cooking and think your ocean-deep understanding of French mother sauces means something, please do not apply
If you have worked in chippies and/or TriBeCa and know how to give people salmonella you are not the candidate for this job.
If you don't even understand how butter happens, I want you
Desperately.

I need two commis chefs who will just listen to instructions and follow them exactly, and eventually learn how to improvise without my help
I do NOT want two commis chefs who will say "Aye," and then do whatever the hell they want as soon as I am not in the room
If you understand the difference between those two things and know which category you fit in, get to typing.

The hours are great, the job is only hard until you learn it, and the amount of fun you can have is limited only by Scottish law and your imagination
Preference will be given to applicants who like "weird food" and "mental torture".

Do you have a car? Great
Let's go to See Woo
Do you have a strong desire to learn all about obscure Mexican peppers? Excellent
I'm your new boss
Do you like working less than 80 hours a week? Good
Me too
Let's make that happen.

All I want is a CV and a brief cover letter explaining why you want the job and what you hope to do with it
Don't want to write a cover letter? Don't apply
I have a lot to do in a very short amount of time, and I don't want to waste that time trying to guess what you're like and then interviewing you just to find out you're horrible
Also, if you're a woman and you're afraid this will be some sort of cowboy, alpha-male kitchen, don't be
The best employees I've ever had have all been women, so get in the ring.

I am trying to build a good team for a very large future expansion
In the meantime we'll have free reign to do whatever we want in a kitchen the size of a football pitch
Get on board.

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Posted on Mar 20, 2017

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